Episode 9 – Ski Champion In Training.

Future Olympian

Well it’s been another exciting period. Working on the mountain in the ski resort is really fun. I work in customer services selling tickets, lessons and rentals to customers to come up to ski and snowboard. It’s a HUUUUUUGE difference from selling magazines and scratch cards I don’t mind telling yall. However similarly to the exuberant price of magazines in Ireland, a day on the slopes may also require the average Joe to remortgage their house and sell their first born children to Shrek Forever After star Rumpelstilskin, to enjoy the pleasure.

Hah not really, I’m totally fibbing about it being a much different job. Same shit, different scenery but it is an enjoyable place to work especially as we get free season passes to all the chair lifts on the mountain (which includes the ones in the Turoa Ski Area where I work and also to the Whakapapa Ski Area on the other side of the mountain which is also owned by the same company). Staff members also get free lessons as part of their employment package so fingers crossed; I’m hoping that I’ll be good enough to represent Ireland in the next Winter Olympics (2014 Sochi, Russia). So far I’ve had one beginner lesson but things are looking promising as I only fell over a few (several hundred) times and even though I have taken a few lemsips recently for a cold I’ve since recovered from; I’m sure that I’ll have all that paracetemol and vitamin C out of my system before then and will secure the ever elusive pass status on the drug test which seems to elude sooo many Irish Olympians and their horses too.

My instructor for the lesson told me that I was a natural at the plough/triange/pizza and so moved after the first ten minutes of the lesson to harder things. This wasn’t the best idea however as when it came to learning how to turn while also managing not to speed up and fallvictim to that most unmerciful law of physics, GAVITY and landing on my ass proved troublesome. My performance at this task could only be described as Unstunning. She said at the beginning of the lesson that she has been going from winter to winter around the world for about 5 full years and really loves the snow. She probably thought I loved the snow as much as she did judging by all the time I spent lying on it having gone in for an emergency crash landing. At one stage she probably thought I was dead, as after slip and slide number 201, I decided to just lie there for a while and see what happened. She poked me with a ski pole to check I was breathing and told me to get up. Tough love! Next up I fell off the end of the kiddie’s magic carpet lift which we used to get to the top of the slope. Even though in reality the drop off the top was about 2 feet, it seemed like i was falling for an eternity and my short snow career life flashed before my eyes. Another wallop of the Ski Pole and I was up and scurrying up the hill back to the rental shack to get shot of my equiment before the task master put me for another run down the hill. I think I’ll persevere with it though and as soon as I’m out of traction for the spinal injuries sustained for all the falling, I’ll get back on the baby slopes I’ll give it another bash and go for the next step lesson. If all else fails, I’ll probably be toughened up enough to get a job as a crash test dummy. If any one wants to say prayer for me feel free.

Peace Out Kiddies 

Lee

Episode 8: Wannabe Hillbillies – Welcome to Southpark

Location: Ohakune (Small Mountain Village home of The Giant Carrot)

Population: Several Hundred

Crime Rate: ‘It depends on who’s in or out of Jail’. (Someone actually said this) 

Quiet little Mountain Town!

We’ve upped sticks and headed off to higher pastures. Following a three weeks whistle stop tour of the south island and part of the north island (more details to follow) we headed back to Auckland for two days in Hotslots refugee Camp ;D before catching the train to Ohakune to begin out time working on Mt Ruapehu a.k.a Mt Doom From the Lord of The Rings Trilogy (Oooo lala). The train journey was another adventure in itself. The service here isn’t the world’s greatest with only three trains per week traveling Auckland and Wellington leaving on Friday, Saturday and Sunday ar 7 am in the morning. It was an early start. BOOOOO! But what was missing in frequency was made up in entertainment. The entire journey is narrated by the driver and there was a not to shabby food cart and the last carriage had a panoramic view glass backed lounge. You wouldn’t get that on the DART! Having reached the train we were told that due to a technical fault that the train would only be going half way and then we would have to get out in the pissing (cursing is the social norm here) rain and coach the rest of the way. The train was further delayed having hit and pulverized a unsuspecting or perhaps suicidal cow that had wandered onto the track. Minutes later after pulled the beastie out from under the locomotion carriage and an unrelated announcement was made that there was steak for everyone in the dining cart. HORRAY!  A jolly old time indeed .

The Giant Carrot

Truth be told the coaching actually worked to our advantage at it dropped us off right outside the lodge where we are now living in Ohakune as opposed to the train which would have dropped us off about 1 km away from there. Happy Days. The quiet mountain town (The Kiwi Answer to South Park) which is home of the Giant Carrot ( I haven't figured out the backround to this one yet.) is a mere two street wonderland but has plenty of things packed such as a cinema reminiscent of the picturehouse in Cinema Paridso (one of my favorite movies); a library which provided free internet access from where I am posting this very update (score!); a hard ware store; a onestopshop which serves as a postoffice/bank/newsagents/bookshop; a supermarket; several restaurants and pubs;  some ski rental shops ,a pharmacy, a hairdressers, a real-estate agents, a petrol station, a bottle shop  and a funny little opshop that someone build in a shed in their back garden. A hip happening place if ever I saw one however the whole place is shut down and disserted by 9 p.m every evening. :/ Nightlife happens about 1 km in a place called The Junction which is based at the foot of the mountain where the road up to the ski field begins which is serviced by a booze bus which goes every half hour to ferry people back and forth to the village for the bargain price of $4 per trip.

Mt Ruapehu / Mt Doom

Work on the mountain is slow as the snow coverage isn’t high enough yet to open the higher slopes so in a twist away from the norm, everyone here is praying for bad (cold and snowy weather). Fingers crossed :D 

Well that’s all for now Folks. More updates to follow told in flashback form about our adventures around the south island. :D

Tata for Now

Lee

Episode 7: I want to break free… ala Queen of Bohemian Rhapsody fame.

Well I finally some news to blog about after a slow slow slow period. We’ve moved out of our Auckland city center apartment and in with our good friend Hotslots Costin in the nearby suburb of Grey Lynn for a brief stay before heading off on a 3 week tour of the two islands at the end of the month. I’m getting really rather excited at the thought of getting out of Auckland for a while and as an added bonus Ill actually have something proper to blog about. No confirmed plans yet but it’s likely that we’ll head directly to Wellington (a.k.a Wellywood) which is the capitol of New Zealand and then onto the ferry and across to the South Island which is the more rugged and picturesque of the two islands and home to attractions such as Queenstown which is described by Lonely Planet as the ultimate tourist trap resort town, and also Milford Sounds which served as the location for Middle Earth in the filming of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Unfortunately most of the other film locations such as the shire, Home of the Hobbits had to be deconstructed after the filming and the landscape returned to its natural state. Ahhh well. Maybe they might reconstruct it when the upcoming filming of ‘The Hobbit’ Begins. Only Smarties have the answer.

Before heading off we trekked up one tree hill (as suggested by one Pat Culliton ;D)  to see the monument placed there to commemorate settlement of New Zealand in or around the year 1000AD by Maori and later in the 1800's by Europeans. There use to be one big tree there on top of the hill but one day a crazy  Maori went up with a hatchet and chopped it down in protest against injustices done to the Maori by the European Settlers. The trees were seen as a representation of the European settlers being non indigenous to the hill and having been planted by the European landowner some 200 years earlier.

In an update of an earlier post of things that have different names here, The Common Flip Flop is called a Jangle here or Jangle and Hellman's the Worlds Best Mayonnaise is called Best Foods  Imagine that. Wonders never  cease to amaze. There ya have it Folks. Stay tuned for more exciting adventures around the south island. 

TaTa4Now Kiddies 

Lee 

Episode 6: Venting in Fartyland

Danger Mouse

Top o the morning folks. In a never ending saga I'm still looking for a job but have some interviews lined up. Last weekend we rented a car and head off to Lake Taupo. On the way there we drove through the Rotarua area which is bless with an abundance of natural sulphur hotsprings some which are close to boiling point. In the same spirit as Irish fairy dust and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow, the hot waters are said to be imbued with magical healing powers for those adventurous enough to take a little dip. The downside of these natural warm water wonders is that the sulphur in the water which evaporates into air makes the whole place smell like fart all day long. Hmm I guess ya just have to live with it. I did feel magically healed from feeling ill after leaving the farty airs behind me so I guess the healing properties do work. MAGIC! :D In Taupo we stayed in a fantastic cabin in the Huka Falls Resort where the staff were friendly and very helpful. Huka falls itself is a nearby waterfall which we visited the following day and  where dare daredevil Ronana Banana went on a jetboat which sped up and down the river and up to the rapids a few times giving all the passengers a good soak in the process. Nice! More excitingly for me, being a tech geek, was a ride upon some off-road Segway scooters. These took a little bit of getting used to but after a while I didn't want to get off . WEEEEEEEE! Following this was a game of 18 hole minigolf which I totally kicked Ronan's ass at. The winner had to buy dinner.

Poopy Hotel

Onward bound from my splendid victory to the remote mountain town of Whackapapa where Danger Mouse Ronan and friends once again set off on a half day trek called the Tongerira Crossing. This is a 20 km trek in harsh mountainous terrain and conditions. Needless to say as a well known delicate flower I gave that one a miss (I attended in spirit) and went on several smaller walking trails in the area. We stayed in a Ski hotel in the town. If any of y'all ever happen to or plan to land in this village, I couldn't highly highly highly recommend not staying in this shabby and awful hotel. At a glance the place looks like it was built in the early 70's and hasn't been touched, maintained or updated ever since. What the lonely planet guide describes a homely, I'd describe as something closer in similarity to the scene from the horror movie - The Shining. From the moment of check-in it was all downhill. The lacklustre staff were at all times kurt and unfriendly with unpleasant facial expressions that would likely stop a clock. The also were very unhelpful in general and their customer service overall could be described as nothing less than appalling. The Basil Faulty Guide to customer service was obviously the business ethic from which they worked. The final coffin nail came when they over charged us on checkout for a service that I believe that we were conned into using having been led to believe it was complimentary (a disgusting low low standard breakfast that cost 20 dollars a pop and on technicality was not included as earlier instructed as the ill mannered receptionist rudely argues). What a focking liberty! A terrible place indeed and a disappointment after the lovely place we'd stayed in before. There is another much better hotel quite nearby which we stopped into which although being a little more expensive would definitely be 10 times better than the other less than impressive facility that we had stayed in. Go there if you are ever in the area and exercise your consumer right not to expect good quality and service for your cashola. VOTE WITH YOUR FEET PEOPLE! Now I feel much better after giving then a good online bashing. Take that ya fookers. :D

Well tats all for now. I've more enticing tails to tell up my sleeve but If I tell ya now you'll probably wet yourself with excitement

Ta ta for now Kiddies

Lee

Episode 5: The Book Worm

Hello children. I've been a busy busy bee (busy doing nowt) and have forgotten to update for a while. I'm continuing to look for another job. I've applied for 50 million jobs this far so fingers crossed one of them will pan out, otherwise Ill have to start charging y'all to read my illustrious blog, Rupert Murdock style. In the mean time I've joined Auckland City Library. Its AMAZING! Three stories of reading bliss. It about the same size as Dun Laoghaire Shopping Center and even has books that were not printed in wither the time of the Great Famine (1845-49) or salvaged from the flotsam and jetsam which surfaced from the wreck of the titanic. To put it in perspective, Irish libraries are a third world effort in comparison. They also provide a music library for cd's and sheet music, a magazine library, a video game library and a  dvd rental library where for a fee of $5 (€2.50) you can borrow a dvd for 5 days. Xtra-Vision would be hopping mad on one leg if such a service was available back home. An idea for a bit of competition. I love the library here and it offers free wifi too.

In other events we visited the Royal New Zealand Naval Base and Naval Museum located on the North Shore in Devonport. Its a short ferry ride across the bay to get to this wonderland. (Speaking of which, Ive recently been to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland which I though was thoroughly awful and would give it a generous 4 out of 10 score. Don't go see it) . There is an extinct volcanic mountain on the called Mt Victoria located which I actually managed to scale. I'm a proper mountaineer now folks. Nearby is a the North Head which houses a former secret military base which was hollowed into he mount and houses many 'disappearing' gun which were constructed to stave off a threat of attack and invasion by Japanese forces during the time of the second world war. The base is abandoned and no longer in active military use. The underground structures are open for visitors to wonder around and explore. A most fascinating place indeed although I must admit I though it was a wee bit creepy walking around the dark abandoned tunnels. I got the heebeejeebees. Following on to quick swim in the warm sea (its still 19°C here) it was back for ferry home.

Also we visited the Auckland War Memorial Museum located in a large park sporting park Name Auckland Domain. The park similar to Phoenix Park minus the wild deer and zoo and had several sporting facilities suck as cricket grounds and running paths and is often mentioned in interviews as having been used as training ground for visiting sportsmen and women. The Museum itself is a little odd and I was unsure what to make of it. Firstly there are not exhibits about war as the name  WAR MEMORIAL might suggest. There was one room with artifacts that were around 200 years old although many of the descriptions stated that the date of the items being exhibited were unknown . One room with modern history of school children in NZ (one of these exhibits had a picture of the Spice Girls on the wall to give you an idea of how modern it gets ^_^) and all the other rooms were filled with Maori carvings and necklaces and a Maori long boat and a reconstructed ancestral home. I was a bit disappointed by the museum to be honest as nothing was explained of labeled explaining what historical or ceremonial meaning or context they represented. There is nothing much to be learned there so I don't think I could be enticed into visiting there again. (I've been to much better museums such as the amazing Powerhouse Museum in Sydney, Definitely go there if your in town.)

Well that's all the excitement I think you can handle for now.

Ta Ta for Now

Lee

Episode 4: The Seven Wonders

Hows It! (NZ Slang I'm hearing meaning Howaya? or perhaps Wellll? if your from the country).  There are lots of amazing little things here that have different names than the ones back home. Some are different for places and some are products with the same logo as back home but have totally different names. Here is a list of 7 of these wonders Ive noticed thus far. 

1  - Sure deodorant is called Rexona 

2  - An OffLicence is called a Bottle Shop.

3  - Wilkinson shaving products are called Shick

4 - Pampers disposable diapers seem to be called Treasures 

5 - Heinz tinned food products are call Watties 

6 - The post office is called a Post Shop (with a successful Kiwibank attached unlike the ill fated Irish Post Bank :'( DEVASTATED!)

 and finally my absolute favorite re phrasing which I can across while reading an article recently;

7 - A charity shop is called and op shop. Which is short for opportunity shop. Ooooooweeeee. I think this is a wonderful name which is a much more interesting and whereby everything inside has the potential to be a new opportunity for someone instead of being someone else cast off. An ingenious bit of relabeling PR.

Well there ya have it folks, these are my 7 wonders of New Zealand.  Its a mad mad world and the toilets flush the other way too to boot, just like in the Simpsons. 

Slán Libh 

Lee 

Episode 3: The Times are Changing.

After a long and laborious search we finally found a new place to live. It is an apartment at the top of queen street which is the mainstreet in Auckland city (like a kiwi-grafton street) above a large computer store. Home sweet home for the foreseeable future . The balcony over looks the city and Auckland bay and to the left there is a clear view of Skytower. We visited there just the other day and saw some crazy people jumping off the top of the tower and paying for the pleasure. Are they Mad? I took some pictures of these loonies going for the plunge which I will later photoshop my head into and pretend that I have made the jump. None will be any the wiser. THE CAMERA NEVER LIES or so the common phrase from a bygone era used to regularly proclaim. The weather here is starting to get a little cooler in with daytime temperatures plummeting to a positively chilly 22 degrees. Brrrr however shall I manage? Also in recent days it has rained for the first time since arriving here. Just like being home. The really real Shortland street is just a short stroll away and is situated just off the lower end of queen street. They were filming and explosion scene there the other day for an upcoming action pact story line with all sorts of pyrotechnics and the like.* exciting stuff indeed.

The St Patrick's festival was held here over the weekend a little earlier than the actual day. Lots of Irish people walked the streets and got totally ratarsed to show the kiwis how proud we are of our national day. Not one for the excuse to drink but for the sake of the festival. The self same people will also have to get totally ratarsed again on Wednesday having had a more than successful trial run over the weekend. The official 'dignitary' here at the expense of the taxpayer was well know tax spender Mary Harney who was in town to officially represent Ireland Inc to extol her usual brand of smiling and nodding and hoping for the best. Many over the weekend tried to explain to her the wisdom of an icon of another well know yearly festival about the importance of 'Making a list, and checking it Twice', or perhaps even once, but this it seem to be either beyond her comprehension or else she didn't give a fiddlers as she did her utmost to show the locals how to enjoy Paddies day.

Well that's all the news for now. I'm on the search for a job now. Hopefully I can get one by the end of the week. Perhaps I'll return home and apply for a cabinet ministerial position which are now being vacated like a game of musical chairs ahead of the increasingly likely upcoming general election. Tee hee hee what every will happen next.

Ta ta for now kiddies

Lee

*some dramatisation of actual events may have occurred or have been totally made up